I don’t know what I am doing

I don’t know what I am doing. the emotional roller coaster is obnoxious. I don’t know if what i am experiencing is in my head or its just this heightened awareness. I don’t know why I can’t just be steady…happy… always something disturbing my ability to trend out. If i just had stability and organization in one aspect of my life … if i was happy with one aspect. They all bleed into each other.

If i was happy and felt i was doing something good – maybe that would replace this. if i knew i had something that always made me happy. maybe not even happy .. secure. like i knew. i feel like never knowing what is secure and what isn’t.. having all this optimism one minute then depression.

I wish people were not manipulative. why? especially to people you love or care about. what are people thinking?

my narc found out i sold the ring and hoovered. it was a lazy attempt. i felt like it was a copy/paste. I just don’t even want to hear people talk anyone unless its rational, sensible and real. I don’t think people in my “life” are ever going to bring me happiness. I think  people can, just not people I expect to.

Also, narcissistic abuse syndrome is a real thing. It needs to be official. I’ll work on this. I’m going on vacation… maybe i’ll make a video…i don’t know where to start.