Moment of Reckoning

I have been waiting. I’ve learned to be patient. I knew it could take time. I knew not to warn the new supply. I knew to hang around, I knew i’d be mentioned. Why? because I am everything she cannot have, she lost.. she cannot be.

Finally, a year and 2 months and an ex steps up. J. the message made my heart fill with warm blood. Lighting me up, letting me down. I sighed, this woman .. lasted a couple months. However i could tell by her pictures…she was a real person. Her message expressed confusion, hurt … anger. Why? What is wrong with her?!

NPD, J. shes sick.and we traded stories.. lies….deceit, betrayal … bullshit. Narcs have the type of exes you can’t hate.. because we really are no one special…she is me and I am her and we are the others. So we must find each other   and piece ourselves back together.

YOU

GOT

EXPOSED

NARC.

Jenna (T apparently had cancer for the 5th time lmao) shared these :

 

 

6 years… i am no different than someone of 3 weeks. I know this…but 6 years?  A month prior to that ^^ fed me the same bs .. she feeds all of us.

Who are you? I don’t know that. You are nothing, as much as we are nothing to you. Do you know we are different? Do you know I am different? 6 years… 6 years of everything…the discard, your hoovers… and you still slander me, you lie to me? Fuck you, you are nobody. An empty human void of a self. Collapsed..what are you like inside? a bug? no brain? no heart? a body? Oh lord, you are utterly disgusting haha… I saw how desperate you are. But this, this is sad. It must be true, without us you cannot breath… we are your oxygen.. make no mistake though.. at some point we will asphyxiate you.

We plan to meet up, on your birthday. GO to your favorite places. Maybe slander you, laugh and talk shit. BFFs.

BE PATIENT MY FRIENDS… AND THE TRUTH COMES OUT

where do we go from here?

Missing sock

i wear two different socks everyday. It’s a quirk of mine. I get ready in about 10 minutes and originally just didn’t care to find matches… They’re socks. People think it’s absurd. The truth is by this point I can’t even find the matches when I want to…I’ve moved so much this year and so many of my socks are gone and I have other people’s socks that I don’t even like. I tend to buy an assortment of different colored socks with different patterns. other people’s socks are boring and/or what they like in terms of design. if I don’t want someone to see I hide my mismatched pair with boots. I used to buy solid color socks so I don’t even know if my sock preference changed or if I stopped thinking about what socks I liked and only bought socks someone else likes because we were bound to mix them up anyway and they complained about losing theirs. 
I am sure if I spent a lot of time and energy I could find one of my missing socks to make a pair…but I don’t even know if I like them to begin with… Would I find happiness in a missing sock ? or would be short lived and shallow? that this up and down will never stop because my sadness/conflict is simply masked for a brief moment in time? 

i was trying to figure out what a design was on a pair of sock’s she was wearing.. and asked and answered my own question (an eagle) when I looked at it at a particular angle. I asked why those socks. They are pretty nice socks. I was impressed she had the socks matched and that one hasn’t gone missing. not like me at all. Her answer was really logical .. And something That never even popped in my head or that I noticed I wasn’t doing that would make my sock dilemma so easy/simple …buy several pairs of the same socks I like.  if one gets lost it doesn’t matter and you’ll never know which socks were the original pair.

 The way I think is never simple or easy and always deep but it allows me to come up with creative solutions and solve complex problems that have been a challenge for many people. the downside to this is sometimes I cannot see/think of such simple, effortless rational that some people are gifted with. it causes my own thoughts pause and reflect in admiration of the insight of a mind which. Shares the same logical foundation as mine, yet is different enough to cause me to think in unfamiliar (but still sensible) ways.. 

I still battle some internal thought conflict related to the cognitive dissonance and new awareness I have been forced to deal with.. And it is beyond exhausting at times.. There is no doubt inside of me that what I find myself drawn to and just one of many reasons why I enjoy/want to be around this person is the hope they give me in being able to find a way in which my brain can find a resolution that I will truly be at peace with… Its simply outside of my normal thought process.. So I can finally choose happiness in an authentic way. 

it’s funny how talking about random things can change what you thought for sure you find most attractive in a mind and the type you would find most meaning conversations with.. but I suppose it’s obvious that what I need and that can relax and calm my mind is a mind like hers.. and I find myself smiling with this curiousness and contentness in how it surprises me..that it makes me forget the complexity of my internal thought conflict and simply enjoy the moment and presence she brings. 

A conversation about socks providing me with such enlightenment about finding happiness may seem strange – obviously it’s not that weird if this meme exists.. but I dont want to waste anymore time on “eventually” or “strange” because I realize my pursuit of happiness is probably like matching a pair of socks that is right in front of my face and so effortless because there are several of the same individual types.  

If she knew I thought this much it would probably turn her over off. I don’t know if she sees that the foundation in which we think is very much the same. I am sure I seem chaotic and too much. I am for many people besides those who think like me. however it comes across, I often don’t think much of what I do “ponder” .. It usually isn’t a big deal or even important or a priority or top interest. it just seems that way because most people would rather get physical shit done or watch tv. I can’t help I find making connections and insight and awareness so breathtaking..but the truth is I only marvel in it for a brief moment .. A childlike awe .. A bright light flickering before burning out. 

but I guarantee no one appreciates her thoughts the way I have because they would not expand the energy required to use a thought process  capable of recognizing and concluded there is something quite beautiful in the way her mind utilizes simple, effortless rational.