Fairy tales breed weak girls

WEAK GIRLS RIP
Come before the clock strikes midnight 

Walk the path quietly, and I swear I’ll never say you left 

You open the door in relief 

it was just a bad dream my darling and 

your mask is hanging right in the closet 

fine white silk and the prettiest feather.

We both know only my love could stitch it back together 

I can you see you smiling and whispering you’ll wear it forever .. forever..  

and I wake to memories that keep me cold they slow time letting me ignore the ache of empty space but I know it can’t preserve my heart forever. I hear your voice tell me

“baby, u and me were meant to always be together” 

it makes me hold tight to our love song 

and I try to remain strong but so much of us has gone and the longer you take, my love 

the more they fade and melt away as pieces of my soul begin to break apart 

I can feel the burn and the 

heat of the flames causes me think maybe I’m going insane. This creeping darkness lingers as anxiety and panic sets in And flows into me from the world outside 

to my mouth and my nose transported and converted absorbed as a feeling I’ve never felt before and as Long as it took to become composed in that same moment 

it was already too late because 

 in that second I knew it was intense dread replacing my blood from my head in my veins and I Can’t fight gravity

As it flows down to My right ventricle and it bleeds in and out 

i scream begging to rest from the crippling pain in my chest radiating to my arms and my legs I begin to shake at the same time trying to catch my breath

The only thing that keeps me alive is denying death so i breathe as deep as I can inhaling sheer fear which once in my lungs i knew I made a mistake for being a fool pretending im god as though I could change fate and The thick smoke makes me choke in regret I know it’s my own fault 

I cough and tears burn my skin as they fall from my face with each drop it stings my ego and repeats the worthlessness and hurt I’ve bottled through the years caused by your words and how my own self esteem was so low I kept it hidden and refused to protect myself from u stealing my being until nothing was left. 

now it’s clear why I guard my life 

Cause I wont ever be a participant again 

 in my own death.

How Much Time ?

    

                          Reflections of us in The Hour Glass 

Top -> Bottom  for 1 side, Bottom -> Top for Other. 

you lose yourself the longer you know them 

the more you try to love them more than before

It feels like you cannot stand it

heart empty

 

   b l e e d i n g

    over

all

the memories

 

           so many lies & deceit

                  hear your words of Desperation

                        when you speak… it’s you’re only betrayal

Your choice of endless cycle on restless repeat

Behind The Journey

Rewind. Wednesday, November 25th 2015. I was at work when i received the dreaded text (one they like to throw out). You know how narcs love to destroy holidays and pull their shit on them.

“we need to talk”. About what? just that morning I had asked her if we could go to a store on black friday.. we had the past couple years and It was always fun. I looked forward to it. She said yes.

“I am going to DC to be with my family on thanksgiving”.

huh? you just told my family the day before that you were cooking the turkey. You told them what to cook. This is how it has been for years. You promised my sister she would not have a dry Turkey on thanksgiving..

“I am leaving you. I’m sorry. I don’t want to be with you anymore”.

huh? where is this coming from? what is going on? I am coming home, I’m leaving work. I love you, please stay.

“I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore”.

I took her hands and told her its ok, People fall in and out of love over the years, I have fallen out of love with you before. It’s ok, we can fall in love again. We just need to refocus on us. Find something we both love and do it together. Focus on loving each other. It will come back. This is normal. Please stay

“no. I need to go. I will be back in a few days”

you promised my sister she wouldn’t have a dry turkey on thanksgiving…

“do you want me to cook it before i go?”

I wanted her to stay as long as I could keep her. I was terrified of the moment she walked out of the door. Yes. I love you T, please stay. Is there someone else?

“No. I just am going to have thanksgiving with my family. I will be back and we can sort it out. I won’t leave you with the lease. I can move upstairs.”

As I sat in the kitchen, in shock…confusion.. heart ache .. i knew it would be worse the moment she left. I watched her prep the Turkey, she was emotionless, stiff. She didn’t want to be here. Go. I will cook the turkey.

It was burnt at shit, because i lost track of time .. starring at the wall as it sat in the oven. I think I turned the oven off. My mom came over the next day, i couldn’t bare telling them right away. It was unreal. embarrassing..empty. painful. a nightmare and utter confusion.

The week that followed and she returned, i did my best to win her back. it was my fault, she told me. she told everyone apparently. she had me so tricked i even sent her flowers to work, validating her slander and gas lighting. She told me “by the way i made a Facebook”. (because we shared one due to her cheating so frequently and using it as a tool). ok i said. A couple days after her telling me, i opened my computer and saw her Facebook. public view. Not only had she not gone to have thanksgiving with her family.. as a picture of her and her friends was square in my face…  our 6 year relationship and 2 year engagement was a joke. My last name, plastered on her Facebook. It is the one image you will not see me black out names. I do not think its appropriate to display names and call people out, however I am returning the same curtesy. It is disgusting. It is disgusting the person I loved for 6 years went behind my back and thought this was amusing enough to like the comment, the joke.  I could not believe this, the cruelty.. where it came from? the uncaring nature. 6 years, and you treat me like a joke? After i am here, paying the rent and trying to win you back while you slander me and freeload and cheat and laugh it up? yeah, i could see why you thought the joke was on me. However, when i realized it was .. the joke was off. Bitch, you will never be an Ivens. You cannot be because we are faithful and we love deep.  Joke is on you.

When I saw this, I kicked her out and hence she left for DC. After she left, I  decided to look up her phone records (i had access because once again, she could not stop cheating). I hadn’t touched them prior to that, because she told me if I didn’t trust her, I would destroy our relationship. She used that month to go behind my back and cheat on me and make all her plans. Since she didn’t want to quit her job and I was paying the rent, she was simply going to freeload and have her cake and eat it too. No, no you don’t. You don’t leave me to starve. She left me with the lease, our dogs and dealing with the after math and ran off carefree – changed her number told me she doesn’t owe me anything. Called me a stalker because I kept trying to contact her to break the lease with the landlord..not to talk to her. treated me like i was nothing. In fact, like the others told me leave the girls alone. I did, because by then I realized it was not them it was her. Plus, they had nothing on me. There is nothing about these females that is better than me. The first time or two i thought, what is it they have that I don’t? Nothing. They just give her attention and treat her like she’s something more than she is. I did that as well – however i was worth so much more to be putting her on a pedestal. I just believed in her. Of course, each failure brought a new girl that was better than the last. i think the last one had like 16.5 million dollars. lol. Anyway. This was only the beginning of the hell. The realization. 3 weeks later i got a phone call i wish i never took. I wish i never did because I would have never been subjected to further abuse. To realize the person i loved was not who i thought. I didn’t know her, not an ounce. That is the scariest thing of all. To the fact that disordered people are out there – among us…and you don’t know. I know now, of course. but many of you don’t. That scares me.

 

Recently, I have hit a roadblock and seemed to be healing well but just not letting go. After the last no contact and some failures in finding someone else… I couldn’t stand the thought of being here on Thanksgiving. Prompted by a last straw, I booked a ticket to Europe 2-3 weeks ago. No hotel, no plans. I have friends there i met online, hoped they would let me stay. I didn’t care about that – i would somehow manage. I just booked it and smiled, relieved I wouldn’t be here.. and excited that I was actually doing it.

oh and also.. oooOooo runaway to “DC”… ha! yeah, Europe 😉

because I am greater than you. it was you who held me back. Now i am free, you will get to watch me climb to heights your chains bound me from reaching. Chains i never saw as chains because I loved you enough to think of them as a lifeline. I would pull your weight, willingly up the mountain. Now that you cut the chains, I am almost weightless.. and the imprints left from cutting my circulation are nearly to the surface. Can you still see me from down there? I am climbing so fast.. i can almost see the top.

 

Transcend Reality & Get A New Lens of Perception Part #1

While critical to human survival, the existence of perception comes at the expense of reality for who fall prey to Narcissistic Abuse. Once reality is lost our perception is void and as such the threat to our survival is immediate and terrifying.

The unbearable shock that all of these years our most deeply held ideas and beliefs about ourselves, others and the world are not true.  An undeniable soul shattering realization that the collective experiences of our entire existence is somehow flawed in interpreting what is and is not a critical threat to our survival.  We are left unable to judge or know what is true anymore or if we ever did. As a result, we lose our defenses. At least when we thought we thought we had defenses we were on the offense, deterring attack with a display of confidence and aggression. Whatever show we can put on that they exist we do, praying no one takes notice. Our interactions only serve to expose our vulnerable state. We begin to isolate, the threat of survival becoming so overwhelming we are in an almost constant paranoid and anxious state.

It is in this darkness each victims suffers in ways only those who have experienced it can empathize with. It is from this darkness we transcend with an external awareness of one truth that is greater than the totality of our life experiences and the suffering we experienced as a result of our shattering loss of reality. We never lost it. Reality exists irrespective of whether its perceived or not, it is how things really are rather than how we understand it through sensory experience. Perception creates our experience of the world and how we respond in it. Reality can only be viewed by an individual through the lens of perception.

Beach bound

3 days of relaxation, warmth light and a buzz 🙂 

Missing sock

i wear two different socks everyday. It’s a quirk of mine. I get ready in about 10 minutes and originally just didn’t care to find matches… They’re socks. People think it’s absurd. The truth is by this point I can’t even find the matches when I want to…I’ve moved so much this year and so many of my socks are gone and I have other people’s socks that I don’t even like. I tend to buy an assortment of different colored socks with different patterns. other people’s socks are boring and/or what they like in terms of design. if I don’t want someone to see I hide my mismatched pair with boots. I used to buy solid color socks so I don’t even know if my sock preference changed or if I stopped thinking about what socks I liked and only bought socks someone else likes because we were bound to mix them up anyway and they complained about losing theirs. 
I am sure if I spent a lot of time and energy I could find one of my missing socks to make a pair…but I don’t even know if I like them to begin with… Would I find happiness in a missing sock ? or would be short lived and shallow? that this up and down will never stop because my sadness/conflict is simply masked for a brief moment in time? 

i was trying to figure out what a design was on a pair of sock’s she was wearing.. and asked and answered my own question (an eagle) when I looked at it at a particular angle. I asked why those socks. They are pretty nice socks. I was impressed she had the socks matched and that one hasn’t gone missing. not like me at all. Her answer was really logical .. And something That never even popped in my head or that I noticed I wasn’t doing that would make my sock dilemma so easy/simple …buy several pairs of the same socks I like.  if one gets lost it doesn’t matter and you’ll never know which socks were the original pair.

 The way I think is never simple or easy and always deep but it allows me to come up with creative solutions and solve complex problems that have been a challenge for many people. the downside to this is sometimes I cannot see/think of such simple, effortless rational that some people are gifted with. it causes my own thoughts pause and reflect in admiration of the insight of a mind which. Shares the same logical foundation as mine, yet is different enough to cause me to think in unfamiliar (but still sensible) ways.. 

I still battle some internal thought conflict related to the cognitive dissonance and new awareness I have been forced to deal with.. And it is beyond exhausting at times.. There is no doubt inside of me that what I find myself drawn to and just one of many reasons why I enjoy/want to be around this person is the hope they give me in being able to find a way in which my brain can find a resolution that I will truly be at peace with… Its simply outside of my normal thought process.. So I can finally choose happiness in an authentic way. 

it’s funny how talking about random things can change what you thought for sure you find most attractive in a mind and the type you would find most meaning conversations with.. but I suppose it’s obvious that what I need and that can relax and calm my mind is a mind like hers.. and I find myself smiling with this curiousness and contentness in how it surprises me..that it makes me forget the complexity of my internal thought conflict and simply enjoy the moment and presence she brings. 

A conversation about socks providing me with such enlightenment about finding happiness may seem strange – obviously it’s not that weird if this meme exists.. but I dont want to waste anymore time on “eventually” or “strange” because I realize my pursuit of happiness is probably like matching a pair of socks that is right in front of my face and so effortless because there are several of the same individual types.  

If she knew I thought this much it would probably turn her over off. I don’t know if she sees that the foundation in which we think is very much the same. I am sure I seem chaotic and too much. I am for many people besides those who think like me. however it comes across, I often don’t think much of what I do “ponder” .. It usually isn’t a big deal or even important or a priority or top interest. it just seems that way because most people would rather get physical shit done or watch tv. I can’t help I find making connections and insight and awareness so breathtaking..but the truth is I only marvel in it for a brief moment .. A childlike awe .. A bright light flickering before burning out. 

but I guarantee no one appreciates her thoughts the way I have because they would not expand the energy required to use a thought process  capable of recognizing and concluded there is something quite beautiful in the way her mind utilizes simple, effortless rational. 

Yoga

So, I’ve been trying to do things to help me heal, but something always puts me in a bad spot and I physically and mentally am exhausted. So I just stop, ghost. recollect and feel ready to begin again. I just want stability. I want to find a way to deal with this newfound awareness. I can’t figure out how to keep the good part of it without the bad. I know it’s what I am most thankful for out of this whole experience but sometimes it’s hell. I almost wish for the ignorance back.

I keep going back to yoga. I like the way it makes me feel after. I know it’s completely powerful and healing and transformative and I want in. When I moved from my sisters to my parents, after I got settled I found a yoga instructor to begin private lessons again. Somehow I feel like it’s fate- for 2 reasons.

First – the yoga instructor texts me haha. she reminds me I have my lesson and to make the payment and go. She reschedules if I am too exhausted. It may be childish but I am so consumed by work and trying to deal with what I am internally I can’t do it without this type of accountability. I am so grateful for her.

Second – I just made a post saying I feel like I don’t know what I am doing. This morning at my yoga lesson when I was talking to her she told me she thinks this 40 day commitment (because I cannot commit to anything) would help me. At the point I am up to try anything ! It’s too coincidental for me to not do it. I feel like it would be bad luck if I didn’t. Like the answer was given to me on a red platter.

Revenge on a Narcissist – Another Option

Many survivors want revenge (rightfully so) on their narcissist. We are told the best revenge against a Narcissist is no contact. This is of course, the logical option given to us from the untouched. However, their opinion on the matter is of little weight because they are virtually clueless. Any other type of revenge will compromise our character; end up with us hurt and/or a lawsuit. No contact is recommended from survivors who have successfully healed. Even Narcissists suggest it is the best revenge. Of course a Narcissist would suggest this!

Yes, it may piss them off but they cut their losses fairly quickly and move on to other victims while we have to deal with their endless hoovers in between. They return to their thrown to sit high on their tower, overlooking the endless selection of untouched, narrowing in our kind; the empathetic, the vulnerable, those who believe in fairytales. We shine a shade that is unlike the other untouched. You can imagine the narcissist’s expressionless face, poised and in control despite a distant, endless pulsing torment somewhere deep inside. Their eyes squinting in a devilish grin, lips curving in pleasure once they set sight on a particular light. That light which makes us what human in a way they cannot be. We do not notice how much they truly need our light as they put all effort in to maintain an adequate supply. Do not be fooled. They crave it in the most animalistic way. They require it as we required food and water.

Imagine a desert where an oasis is visible everywhere you turn. Does the thought of the rising sun cause you anxiety? No, it delights you with the prospect of basking in the rays, dipping into cool water. A cab driver suddenly appears and offers you a ride to the forest; he warns you that the sun will destroy you, and you will destroy every oasis you touch that others may need on their passage if you choose to stay. You tell him you do not need anyone tell you what to do and that you need it more than them. You deserve it. You are able to subdue the thought of the threat it poses each morning you wake. If an oasis dries, you move towards the horizon – where you know there are many waiting, perhaps more amazing than any you have come across. Now imagine the pools all around you shrinking, not just one. No longer can you enjoy submerging your body into cool water. You are forced to splash it on your body. It evaporates quickly; you feel the burn of the sun on your skin. it’s unsettling. You continue towards the horizon each day, then backtrack to familiar locations… but begin to feel the panic as the pools continue to shrink. You are wide-awake at night, afraid to close your eyes. Afraid it will all disappear, but you succumb to sleep. Today you must dig for water even to drink. You sweat, you burn you crack. Your throat is dry, you attempt to swallow but cannot produce any saliva. You know tomorrow’s sun will do you in. The cab driver reappears. He asks, “now that there is no oasis left, what will you do?” You reply, please give me what I need. The cab driver shakes his head. “I will give you what you need, but you will need to work for it like the rest of us”. He holds a glass of water, refusing to supply you otherwise. With no option, you do what you must to survive. Be a decent human being in society.

It does seem cruel to only provide water, as a reward doesn’t it? Do you think I am wrong for reducing a narcissist to its animalistic core by suggesting we take away its life source and use it as a means of positive reinforcement? Especially when lack of it was what caused the manifestation, created the narcissist? You can have your opinion. However it is my belief that this serves two purposes. First, the narcissist can longer use victims. This is the smug revenge survivor’s want. Some ignorant people may feed the animal when they aren’t supposed to. However if a narcissist wants a good source they will change their behavior to obtain it. Once their behavior becomes habit, we can hope it becomes modified. In doing so, they have a chance to live a fulfilling life. Even if they only give love in the form of modified behavior, they will be able to receive the true, unconditional love they desire. It will calm the chaos of destruction they cause for individuals and society.

 

So, how do we dry up every oasis and seek our revenge?

1. Invisibility Cloak for our Beacon
2. Enlighten Psychologists
3. Educate the Untouched

 

…Coming Soon…

The Game Is Over?

What was the Last Game you Played With Your Narc? What Do you Choose? 

I’ll share mine if you share yours 🙂

read left to right -> hoover to see if narc or us

narc

us

us

narc

narc

narc

us

us

narc

us

us

narc

us

narc

narc

us

narc

us

narc

us

reality

narc

 

The Last Straw

So, you’re probably wondering what made me finally make the committment to no contact? What was the last straw?

 

 

NUMBER 1 : Last week I bought a few books. One of them being …

I am a sarcastic, reality it is what it is person. This book is perfect for me. Just accept it. I finally have accepted it. I don’t like it but what the hell am I going to do? suffer more? The book even points out – until you do no contact you are not doing what you need to do to heal. I cannot destroy my life when i have all of this potential to have a wonderful one. Some heartbreaks people never get over. Accept it. It doesn’t mean its the end of the world or the end of an awesome life. Until I do no contact, i’ll never even know for sure if I am capable of getting over it. I finally think I will be though, which is good news.

NUMBER 2: I am worth too much …

to let somebody that cannot begin to compare ONTOP of them screwing me and then treating me like I am whatever or however they feel like at the moment.Fucking tired of that shit. I put up with it because I “Love?” her. (another topic …) but she is not HER. she is not special and deserves no more consideration then any other asshole who screws  me over  or is rude.

 

Number 3:  Don’t make plans with me twice to visit the dogs you “loved” that I am allowing you to see and taking the time out of my WEEKEND to let you see and then cancel.   Weren’t you going to take me to fucking court over custody a couple months ago lol?

Really, don’t tell me you have a lot to do when you don’t even have a job or in school etc. please. A lot of words with friends apparently. Sorry the dumbass you originally left me for only lasted 3 months because you both are terrible.I am happy you found a new replacement so quick and everyone is laughing at you on your facebook (even your sister in law) because its that ridiculous. However, she sounds amazing I agreed with her –

 

would’t you all agree? Too bad I know its all lies ya Narc. but i’ll let you live in your fantasy.  You talked up some good lies about how awesome the dumbass was you left for, but I was so obsessed I took the the time to find every detail about her life and expose that she was nothing special like you were saying…please. Now you have to keep making the next. What about after this one in a few months…  going to own 3 houses, one of which is in Paris and be a well known entrepreneur with a phD in engineering and 30 million in the bank. Really, don’t tell me you’re going to take the time to fly down to FL and be there for your new girlfriend of two weeks but you’ll play it by ear when it comes to seeing the dogs.  

No you won’t b*itch because I can’t hear you anymore since I blocked your ass. Don’t ever put these dogs on anything but your top priority list when you’re talking to me.

 

I Have sacrificed so much to keep all four and to keep them together. I am sorry you’re confusing the feelings of being Bitter with the feelings of realizing someone is a piece of shit and not worth anymore words. Let me tell you what this feeling is, since I cannot blame you as its common Narc practices and feelings. Its not anger, its not hate… its not indifference. It’s pathetic. Feelings similar to this poem I wrote back 2008-2009 when I was big into existentialism. See below, but for now reference the info gram to the left so you get what is occurring is nothing special and that your responses to me are nothing special so I need not get offended silly little girl.

I will always hope and wish for you to have a happy life, a full life because I do not want ANYONE to hurt, let alone my baby. My feelings are not bitter. I even play along with your imagination. I do that for you because I love you. After all you have done. I want what is best for you, what life you want and who you want to be even if it is not who I like. I just don’t want to know you. I liked who i knew and she’s gone, another imaginary person. Whatever she was an imaginary friend I liked playing with and outgrew.

 

Now. If only I was NOT empathetic enough to understand she can’t help a lot of what she does because she has a personality disorder, not a monster. She’s still a person who feels – a child stuck. A little bratty asshole child, but still a child. I still have to determine how I should resolve this conflict in my head to go from pathetic and empathetic to indifferent.