Transcend Reality & Get A New Lens of Perception Part #1

While critical to human survival, the existence of perception comes at the expense of reality for who fall prey to Narcissistic Abuse. Once reality is lost our perception is void and as such the threat to our survival is immediate and terrifying.

The unbearable shock that all of these years our most deeply held ideas and beliefs about ourselves, others and the world are not true.  An undeniable soul shattering realization that the collective experiences of our entire existence is somehow flawed in interpreting what is and is not a critical threat to our survival.  We are left unable to judge or know what is true anymore or if we ever did. As a result, we lose our defenses. At least when we thought we thought we had defenses we were on the offense, deterring attack with a display of confidence and aggression. Whatever show we can put on that they exist we do, praying no one takes notice. Our interactions only serve to expose our vulnerable state. We begin to isolate, the threat of survival becoming so overwhelming we are in an almost constant paranoid and anxious state.

It is in this darkness each victims suffers in ways only those who have experienced it can empathize with. It is from this darkness we transcend with an external awareness of one truth that is greater than the totality of our life experiences and the suffering we experienced as a result of our shattering loss of reality. We never lost it. Reality exists irrespective of whether its perceived or not, it is how things really are rather than how we understand it through sensory experience. Perception creates our experience of the world and how we respond in it. Reality can only be viewed by an individual through the lens of perception.

Yoga

So, I’ve been trying to do things to help me heal, but something always puts me in a bad spot and I physically and mentally am exhausted. So I just stop, ghost. recollect and feel ready to begin again. I just want stability. I want to find a way to deal with this newfound awareness. I can’t figure out how to keep the good part of it without the bad. I know it’s what I am most thankful for out of this whole experience but sometimes it’s hell. I almost wish for the ignorance back.

I keep going back to yoga. I like the way it makes me feel after. I know it’s completely powerful and healing and transformative and I want in. When I moved from my sisters to my parents, after I got settled I found a yoga instructor to begin private lessons again. Somehow I feel like it’s fate- for 2 reasons.

First – the yoga instructor texts me haha. she reminds me I have my lesson and to make the payment and go. She reschedules if I am too exhausted. It may be childish but I am so consumed by work and trying to deal with what I am internally I can’t do it without this type of accountability. I am so grateful for her.

Second – I just made a post saying I feel like I don’t know what I am doing. This morning at my yoga lesson when I was talking to her she told me she thinks this 40 day commitment (because I cannot commit to anything) would help me. At the point I am up to try anything ! It’s too coincidental for me to not do it. I feel like it would be bad luck if I didn’t. Like the answer was given to me on a red platter.

The Last Straw

So, you’re probably wondering what made me finally make the committment to no contact? What was the last straw?

 

 

NUMBER 1 : Last week I bought a few books. One of them being …

I am a sarcastic, reality it is what it is person. This book is perfect for me. Just accept it. I finally have accepted it. I don’t like it but what the hell am I going to do? suffer more? The book even points out – until you do no contact you are not doing what you need to do to heal. I cannot destroy my life when i have all of this potential to have a wonderful one. Some heartbreaks people never get over. Accept it. It doesn’t mean its the end of the world or the end of an awesome life. Until I do no contact, i’ll never even know for sure if I am capable of getting over it. I finally think I will be though, which is good news.

NUMBER 2: I am worth too much …

to let somebody that cannot begin to compare ONTOP of them screwing me and then treating me like I am whatever or however they feel like at the moment.Fucking tired of that shit. I put up with it because I “Love?” her. (another topic …) but she is not HER. she is not special and deserves no more consideration then any other asshole who screws  me over  or is rude.

 

Number 3:  Don’t make plans with me twice to visit the dogs you “loved” that I am allowing you to see and taking the time out of my WEEKEND to let you see and then cancel.   Weren’t you going to take me to fucking court over custody a couple months ago lol?

Really, don’t tell me you have a lot to do when you don’t even have a job or in school etc. please. A lot of words with friends apparently. Sorry the dumbass you originally left me for only lasted 3 months because you both are terrible.I am happy you found a new replacement so quick and everyone is laughing at you on your facebook (even your sister in law) because its that ridiculous. However, she sounds amazing I agreed with her –

 

would’t you all agree? Too bad I know its all lies ya Narc. but i’ll let you live in your fantasy.  You talked up some good lies about how awesome the dumbass was you left for, but I was so obsessed I took the the time to find every detail about her life and expose that she was nothing special like you were saying…please. Now you have to keep making the next. What about after this one in a few months…  going to own 3 houses, one of which is in Paris and be a well known entrepreneur with a phD in engineering and 30 million in the bank. Really, don’t tell me you’re going to take the time to fly down to FL and be there for your new girlfriend of two weeks but you’ll play it by ear when it comes to seeing the dogs.  

No you won’t b*itch because I can’t hear you anymore since I blocked your ass. Don’t ever put these dogs on anything but your top priority list when you’re talking to me.

 

I Have sacrificed so much to keep all four and to keep them together. I am sorry you’re confusing the feelings of being Bitter with the feelings of realizing someone is a piece of shit and not worth anymore words. Let me tell you what this feeling is, since I cannot blame you as its common Narc practices and feelings. Its not anger, its not hate… its not indifference. It’s pathetic. Feelings similar to this poem I wrote back 2008-2009 when I was big into existentialism. See below, but for now reference the info gram to the left so you get what is occurring is nothing special and that your responses to me are nothing special so I need not get offended silly little girl.

I will always hope and wish for you to have a happy life, a full life because I do not want ANYONE to hurt, let alone my baby. My feelings are not bitter. I even play along with your imagination. I do that for you because I love you. After all you have done. I want what is best for you, what life you want and who you want to be even if it is not who I like. I just don’t want to know you. I liked who i knew and she’s gone, another imaginary person. Whatever she was an imaginary friend I liked playing with and outgrew.

 

Now. If only I was NOT empathetic enough to understand she can’t help a lot of what she does because she has a personality disorder, not a monster. She’s still a person who feels – a child stuck. A little bratty asshole child, but still a child. I still have to determine how I should resolve this conflict in my head to go from pathetic and empathetic to indifferent.