Yoga

So, I’ve been trying to do things to help me heal, but something always puts me in a bad spot and I physically and mentally am exhausted. So I just stop, ghost. recollect and feel ready to begin again. I just want stability. I want to find a way to deal with this newfound awareness. I can’t figure out how to keep the good part of it without the bad. I know it’s what I am most thankful for out of this whole experience but sometimes it’s hell. I almost wish for the ignorance back.

I keep going back to yoga. I like the way it makes me feel after. I know it’s completely powerful and healing and transformative and I want in. When I moved from my sisters to my parents, after I got settled I found a yoga instructor to begin private lessons again. Somehow I feel like it’s fate- for 2 reasons.

First – the yoga instructor texts me haha. she reminds me I have my lesson and to make the payment and go. She reschedules if I am too exhausted. It may be childish but I am so consumed by work and trying to deal with what I am internally I can’t do it without this type of accountability. I am so grateful for her.

Second – I just made a post saying I feel like I don’t know what I am doing. This morning at my yoga lesson when I was talking to her she told me she thinks this 40 day commitment (because I cannot commit to anything) would help me. At the point I am up to try anything ! It’s too coincidental for me to not do it. I feel like it would be bad luck if I didn’t. Like the answer was given to me on a red platter.

30 Days No Contact Challenge

Ugh. I have a massive headache but I want to get this out of my head and onto some “paper”. It’s been an insane month. I have been grappling with a bunch of issues. My various addictions and my PTSD symptoms stemming from the Narc abuse (talk about those later)

I was 7 days NC – T decided to text me today. She’s already on relationship #2 since the discard 5 months ago (haha). I was dumb and texted back. The conversations always start out friendly, familiar. By the end she becomes short and begins to treat me as if I was beneath her. I am sick of it. At first I found it amusing to talk to her because I was curious and found it silly how predictable her responses were (It was fun for me to use narc translation) however, I am bored of it by now and its repetitive. I am sure I was holding onto some false hope there too.

THE BIG NEWS!!

I want to announce that I am going 30 days No Contact. I would never let myself commit to NC because I was afraid to let go. I am no longer afraid to let go of something that doesn’t try to hold on. This time I am serious. I am counting on everyone here to hold me accountable! Any inspiring thoughts/words are welcome and appreciated!

For the next 30 days I want to mainly focus on positive thoughts/healing rather than think of the abuse and try to make sense of it. I will get back to that because I think its important for me to continue to admit what the relationship was, to identify all the red flags and bring them to light (for me and all victims/potential victims) but it’s time I really focus on the good and who I am and who I am becoming.