These Phrases, Their Meaning … Now Make Me Unnerved I love You, Trust Me
These Words, Their Definition … Now Leave Me Disturbed – Mask, Hoover, Supply, Cogntive Dissonance, Discard, Idealization, Gaslighting, Devalue, Triangulate
what are some phrases/words for you ?
I have been waiting. I’ve learned to be patient. I knew it could take time. I knew not to warn the new supply. I knew to hang around, I knew i’d be mentioned. Why? because I am everything she cannot have, she lost.. she cannot be.
Finally, a year and 2 months and an ex steps up. J. the message made my heart fill with warm blood. Lighting me up, letting me down. I sighed, this woman .. lasted a couple months. However i could tell by her pictures…she was a real person. Her message expressed confusion, hurt … anger. Why? What is wrong with her?!
NPD, J. shes sick.and we traded stories.. lies….deceit, betrayal … bullshit. Narcs have the type of exes you can’t hate.. because we really are no one special…she is me and I am her and we are the others. So we must find each other and piece ourselves back together.
NARC.
Who are you? I don’t know that. You are nothing, as much as we are nothing to you. Do you know we are different? Do you know I am different? 6 years… 6 years of everything…the discard, your hoovers… and you still slander me, you lie to me? Fuck you, you are nobody. An empty human void of a self. Collapsed..what are you like inside? a bug? no brain? no heart? a body? Oh lord, you are utterly disgusting haha… I saw how desperate you are. But this, this is sad. It must be true, without us you cannot breath… we are your oxygen.. make no mistake though.. at some point we will asphyxiate you.
We plan to meet up, on your birthday. GO to your favorite places. Maybe slander you, laugh and talk shit. BFFs.
BE PATIENT MY FRIENDS… AND THE TRUTH COMES OUT
where do we go from here?
While critical to human survival, the existence of perception comes at the expense of reality for who fall prey to Narcissistic Abuse. Once reality is lost our perception is void and as such the threat to our survival is immediate and terrifying.
The unbearable shock that all of these years our most deeply held ideas and beliefs about ourselves, others and the world are not true. An undeniable soul shattering realization that the collective experiences of our entire existence is somehow flawed in interpreting what is and is not a critical threat to our survival. We are left unable to judge or know what is true anymore or if we ever did. As a result, we lose our defenses. At least when we thought we thought we had defenses we were on the offense, deterring attack with a display of confidence and aggression. Whatever show we can put on that they exist we do, praying no one takes notice. Our interactions only serve to expose our vulnerable state. We begin to isolate, the threat of survival becoming so overwhelming we are in an almost constant paranoid and anxious state.
It is in this darkness each victims suffers in ways only those who have experienced it can empathize with. It is from this darkness we transcend with an external awareness of one truth that is greater than the totality of our life experiences and the suffering we experienced as a result of our shattering loss of reality. We never lost it. Reality exists irrespective of whether its perceived or not, it is how things really are rather than how we understand it through sensory experience. Perception creates our experience of the world and how we respond in it. Reality can only be viewed by an individual through the lens of perception.
Many survivors want revenge (rightfully so) on their narcissist. We are told the best revenge against a Narcissist is no contact. This is of course, the logical option given to us from the untouched. However, their opinion on the matter is of little weight because they are virtually clueless. Any other type of revenge will compromise our character; end up with us hurt and/or a lawsuit. No contact is recommended from survivors who have successfully healed. Even Narcissists suggest it is the best revenge. Of course a Narcissist would suggest this!
Yes, it may piss them off but they cut their losses fairly quickly and move on to other victims while we have to deal with their endless hoovers in between. They return to their thrown to sit high on their tower, overlooking the endless selection of untouched, narrowing in our kind; the empathetic, the vulnerable, those who believe in fairytales. We shine a shade that is unlike the other untouched. You can imagine the narcissist’s expressionless face, poised and in control despite a distant, endless pulsing torment somewhere deep inside. Their eyes squinting in a devilish grin, lips curving in pleasure once they set sight on a particular light. That light which makes us what human in a way they cannot be. We do not notice how much they truly need our light as they put all effort in to maintain an adequate supply. Do not be fooled. They crave it in the most animalistic way. They require it as we required food and water.
Imagine a desert where an oasis is visible everywhere you turn. Does the thought of the rising sun cause you anxiety? No, it delights you with the prospect of basking in the rays, dipping into cool water. A cab driver suddenly appears and offers you a ride to the forest; he warns you that the sun will destroy you, and you will destroy every oasis you touch that others may need on their passage if you choose to stay. You tell him you do not need anyone tell you what to do and that you need it more than them. You deserve it. You are able to subdue the thought of the threat it poses each morning you wake. If an oasis dries, you move towards the horizon – where you know there are many waiting, perhaps more amazing than any you have come across. Now imagine the pools all around you shrinking, not just one. No longer can you enjoy submerging your body into cool water. You are forced to splash it on your body. It evaporates quickly; you feel the burn of the sun on your skin. it’s unsettling. You continue towards the horizon each day, then backtrack to familiar locations… but begin to feel the panic as the pools continue to shrink. You are wide-awake at night, afraid to close your eyes. Afraid it will all disappear, but you succumb to sleep. Today you must dig for water even to drink. You sweat, you burn you crack. Your throat is dry, you attempt to swallow but cannot produce any saliva. You know tomorrow’s sun will do you in. The cab driver reappears. He asks, “now that there is no oasis left, what will you do?” You reply, please give me what I need. The cab driver shakes his head. “I will give you what you need, but you will need to work for it like the rest of us”. He holds a glass of water, refusing to supply you otherwise. With no option, you do what you must to survive. Be a decent human being in society.
It does seem cruel to only provide water, as a reward doesn’t it? Do you think I am wrong for reducing a narcissist to its animalistic core by suggesting we take away its life source and use it as a means of positive reinforcement? Especially when lack of it was what caused the manifestation, created the narcissist? You can have your opinion. However it is my belief that this serves two purposes. First, the narcissist can longer use victims. This is the smug revenge survivor’s want. Some ignorant people may feed the animal when they aren’t supposed to. However if a narcissist wants a good source they will change their behavior to obtain it. Once their behavior becomes habit, we can hope it becomes modified. In doing so, they have a chance to live a fulfilling life. Even if they only give love in the form of modified behavior, they will be able to receive the true, unconditional love they desire. It will calm the chaos of destruction they cause for individuals and society.
So, how do we dry up every oasis and seek our revenge?
…Coming Soon…
I’ll share mine if you share yours 🙂
read left to right -> hoover to see if narc or us
NUMBER 1 : Last week I bought a few books. One of them being …
I am a sarcastic, reality it is what it is person. This book is perfect for me. Just accept it. I finally have accepted it. I don’t like it but what the hell am I going to do? suffer more? The book even points out – until you do no contact you are not doing what you need to do to heal. I cannot destroy my life when i have all of this potential to have a wonderful one. Some heartbreaks people never get over. Accept it. It doesn’t mean its the end of the world or the end of an awesome life. Until I do no contact, i’ll never even know for sure if I am capable of getting over it. I finally think I will be though, which is good news.
to let somebody that cannot begin to compare ONTOP of them screwing me and then treating me like I am whatever or however they feel like at the moment.Fucking tired of that shit. I put up with it because I “Love?” her. (another topic …) but she is not HER. she is not special and deserves no more consideration then any other asshole who screws me over or is rude.
Number 3: Don’t make plans with me twice to visit the dogs you “loved” that I am allowing you to see and taking the time out of my WEEKEND to let you see and then cancel. Weren’t you going to take me to fucking court over custody a couple months ago lol?
Really, don’t tell me you have a lot to do when you don’t even have a job or in school etc. please. A lot of words with friends apparently. Sorry the dumbass you originally left me for only lasted 3 months because you both are terrible.I am happy you found a new replacement so quick and everyone is laughing at you on your facebook (even your sister in law) because its that ridiculous. However, she sounds amazing I agreed with her –
would’t you all agree? Too bad I know its all lies ya Narc. but i’ll let you live in your fantasy. You talked up some good lies about how awesome the dumbass was you left for, but I was so obsessed I took the the time to find every detail about her life and expose that she was nothing special like you were saying…please. Now you have to keep making the next. What about after this one in a few months… going to own 3 houses, one of which is in Paris and be a well known entrepreneur with a phD in engineering and 30 million in the bank. Really, don’t tell me you’re going to take the time to fly down to FL and be there for your new girlfriend of two weeks but you’ll play it by ear when it comes to seeing the dogs.
I Have sacrificed so much to keep all four and to keep them together. I am sorry you’re confusing the feelings of being Bitter with the feelings of realizing someone is a piece of shit and not worth anymore words. Let me tell you what this feeling is, since I cannot blame you as its common Narc practices and feelings. Its not anger, its not hate… its not indifference. It’s pathetic. Feelings similar to this poem I wrote back 2008-2009 when I was big into existentialism. See below, but for now reference the info gram to the left so you get what is occurring is nothing special and that your responses to me are nothing special so I need not get offended silly little girl.
I will always hope and wish for you to have a happy life, a full life because I do not want ANYONE to hurt, let alone my baby. My feelings are not bitter. I even play along with your imagination. I do that for you because I love you. After all you have done. I want what is best for you, what life you want and who you want to be even if it is not who I like. I just don’t want to know you. I liked who i knew and she’s gone, another imaginary person. Whatever she was an imaginary friend I liked playing with and outgrew.
Ugh. I have a massive headache but I want to get this out of my head and onto some “paper”. It’s been an insane month. I have been grappling with a bunch of issues. My various addictions and my PTSD symptoms stemming from the Narc abuse (talk about those later)
I was 7 days NC – T decided to text me today. She’s already on relationship #2 since the discard 5 months ago (haha). I was dumb and texted back. The conversations always start out friendly, familiar. By the end she becomes short and begins to treat me as if I was beneath her. I am sick of it. At first I found it amusing to talk to her because I was curious and found it silly how predictable her responses were (It was fun for me to use narc translation) however, I am bored of it by now and its repetitive. I am sure I was holding onto some false hope there too.
I want to announce that I am going 30 days No Contact. I would never let myself commit to NC because I was afraid to let go. I am no longer afraid to let go of something that doesn’t try to hold on. This time I am serious. I am counting on everyone here to hold me accountable! Any inspiring thoughts/words are welcome and appreciated!
For the next 30 days I want to mainly focus on positive thoughts/healing rather than think of the abuse and try to make sense of it. I will get back to that because I think its important for me to continue to admit what the relationship was, to identify all the red flags and bring them to light (for me and all victims/potential victims) but it’s time I really focus on the good and who I am and who I am becoming.
Dear T,
I don’t want to let go of the person I knew for 6 years, but I’ve been unsuccessful in finding her and things aren’t changing. I will finally accept that we can’t change this relationship with all therapy-speak that ever was and no matter how much I hoped we could. Even if it can’t help me change this delusion, there may be a lesson here about what I need to make love work, and if there is, I will learn it.
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When T first discarded me .. Mm.. It was after we had been together only a year and a half. I’m not going to get into those details just know it was fucked up in many ways. Fucked up to innocent, trusting people, fucked up and betrayal to me and self destructive. Never imagined. Much different then final discard. it fucked me up but to be honest I was young and I was no angel and I did not love her the way I know how to love now.
she was my first girlfriend. I was even half excited that I would get to experience my new found “out of the closest” lifestyle. The strangest thing. I started painting as a hobby- I painted a butterfly first modeling a how to book. Then I decided to do my own design. looking back now – it’s crazy what I randomly thought I decided on.
The more I dated the more disappointed I got. The more i realized this feeling I have for her I do not get with anyone else. I wonder if I ever could? T called me a few times but I didn’t cave until 4 months later when she got me on my birthday and I was alone and sad and missed her and being able to feel.
she drove the 4 hours and never left. I was happy knowing I got a second chance to be with someone I had such strong feelings for. This time I could show T I truly loved her and not take her for granted.
Fast forward 4.5 years later and lets go right to the discard which fucked me up, and is still fucking me up. 
There are times where I scream she is a monster because I am so angry and hurt and unwilling to do really distance myself to be able to accept that it is anything else besides her – and i think its a narc victims right to do so. However, T will always be my baby and so i work hard to understand for her – even though she’s called “The Devil” in my phone. xD
Better off for trying
Being an empathetic person (but also logical..) I idolized that perfect love .. Love is patient .. Ok we all know the words that follow. I didn’t want passion, or crazy or drama. I just wanted beautiful, untainted true love. When I was about 20 I realized even though I would say my ability to love that way was greater than a lot of people I was no where near capable of giving this love. I didn’t want to love like that.its not human to love like that. I would be a hypocrite to ask for it. I openly admit my love was and is not perfect but it is real. True.
Relationships are a give and take – compromise. What are you willing to give up… At what cost is too great?
Here is the reality check because I do not even know how to write or communicate this any other way. Something that may appear like a huge sacrifice to someone .. May not be to them – even if they say it is because most people think something like that is. ill give an example later.
Look at the last line of the letter I wrote when we got engaged. We got engaged because at this point I couldn’t handle the emotional cheating and abusive behavior when I would confront… I was either going to have to break up Or compromise. I know this seems absurd, but this was basically me saying I know you are not capable at the point. I know I have sacrificed way too much for you and what scraps you give me. yet I’m willing to risk it over again, in fact ill give you it all this time so you know. here is the last damn bit. i am willing to be nothing. i want you to value me more than i want to exist – ill devalue myself to 0. (crazy right) for you to value me.
woah.
VALUE ME NOW. This is all I wanted and i put everything on the table. I sacrificed for it already – this was my last compromise. I will was Willing to give her my faith – despite knowing in my Brain she will fail me because I “loved” and knew in my heart she would not.
ok- this sacrafice is coming from an estj personality type people! biggest fucking sacrafice. all of my self-worth.. to feel valued one time. to feel truly loved by you even one time is worth more to me.
What is this saying ? I was willing to risk all of my love for what I knew logically wasn’t going to happen 100%… Aka I was basically saying I know i am going to give you everything and take nothing … i know your not going to value me and that i am going to value myself 0 when this ends. that i will be nothing.
simply for the chance that you will value me one time. wow. sick. “the one giving up everything goes beyond sacrafice (one giving low self-worth .. other is simply taking advantage, selfishly of another person.
let me tell you. after writing this, i feel like a dumbass. I knew all along, yes i knew – be honest with yourself me. you cant know and be suprised at the same time. wtf. this isnt compromising dumbass. you basically sacraficed that last little bit of you that you had left that you could have kept for nothing, knowingly. yeah i dont even know how to evaluate that because its completely illogical to want nothing over a tiny bit. all or nothing… i wasnt walking away with any cut losses even though probability was 0. I just wanted to confirm it was 0 by losing duh- that was more important. to know if she loved me, at all.
clearly the answer is no.
I don’t go all crazy and throw it all in now. Quite the opposite. I cut my losses early
So, I charged my old iphone 4 because I was going to sell it on ebay (lol, trying to buy some equipment… i’ll share in the future!) and saw this conversation that inspired this post.
One by one, my narcissist isolated me from my friends. Friends I’ve had since childhood.Good, caring people. Somehow, T would always find a reason not to like one of my friends. If I asked her to come with me to hang out with my friends, she refused because of “something about them”. Then, because I wouldn’t hang out with them for years because she wouldn’t want to – she would tell me they aren’t my friends because I haven’t. Any new friends i’d have, she’d find a reason eventually. Somehow my friends are such good friends that they have forgiven me.
I think its important to look at friendships when we meet new people. If a person doesn’t have ANY long term, close friendships, chances are they aren’t a good friend and would not make a good partner.
Despite not seeing her for a few years because of T, she asked me to be in her wedding because we had been so close since 2nd grade. At first I ignored the text Megan sent asking me…. I really wanted to say yes, it would be an honor … but I knew T wouldn’t be happy. Megan texted me again a few weeks later and I thought she was asking if i was going to go in general, so I said yes but quickly realized Megan thought this meant yes to being a bridesmaid. I told Tien and although she didn’t like it, she was letting me.
Megan never did anything
She tried to tell me that Megan and I were acquaintances, when we’ve known each other since 2nd grade
I didn’t have the fight in me to go against it. It was the most devastating, hurtful thing I had to do to a friend. Go back on my word, ruin her wedding party because she had been counting on me. I was going to let someone who I cared very much about down about the biggest day of her life. And I did it, destroying all those years of friendship and isolated myself from all friends because I felt like it was the only way to punish myself for what I did to Megan.
My parents ended up attending her wedding, its sad I was not there and is something i can never take back.
What is so amazing is that Megan forgave me and was there for me after I was discarded. We always used to ride horses together (I owned a few and we would ride at farm close by)…we’ve gone a few times since. I forgot how much I enjoyed it. I plan to make a post about riding shortly, because it is so therapeutic. It is all about trusting, freedom, bonding.
me -> my sister -> jenny -> megan -> my mom
While my friends are not capable of understanding the abuse and why I have difficulty moving on, they are forgiving and just want me back to who I was. I found myself starting to isolate from them because of this. That is why I have reached out to all of you for the support and understanding, it is exactly what I need. I also feel the need to give back, to do something good and be a part of something good.
Fixated To Free 