Fairy tales breed weak girls

WEAK GIRLS RIP
Come before the clock strikes midnight 

Walk the path quietly, and I swear I’ll never say you left 

You open the door in relief 

it was just a bad dream my darling and 

your mask is hanging right in the closet 

fine white silk and the prettiest feather.

We both know only my love could stitch it back together 

I can you see you smiling and whispering you’ll wear it forever .. forever..  

and I wake to memories that keep me cold they slow time letting me ignore the ache of empty space but I know it can’t preserve my heart forever. I hear your voice tell me

“baby, u and me were meant to always be together” 

it makes me hold tight to our love song 

and I try to remain strong but so much of us has gone and the longer you take, my love 

the more they fade and melt away as pieces of my soul begin to break apart 

I can feel the burn and the 

heat of the flames causes me think maybe I’m going insane. This creeping darkness lingers as anxiety and panic sets in And flows into me from the world outside 

to my mouth and my nose transported and converted absorbed as a feeling I’ve never felt before and as Long as it took to become composed in that same moment 

it was already too late because 

 in that second I knew it was intense dread replacing my blood from my head in my veins and I Can’t fight gravity

As it flows down to My right ventricle and it bleeds in and out 

i scream begging to rest from the crippling pain in my chest radiating to my arms and my legs I begin to shake at the same time trying to catch my breath

The only thing that keeps me alive is denying death so i breathe as deep as I can inhaling sheer fear which once in my lungs i knew I made a mistake for being a fool pretending im god as though I could change fate and The thick smoke makes me choke in regret I know it’s my own fault 

I cough and tears burn my skin as they fall from my face with each drop it stings my ego and repeats the worthlessness and hurt I’ve bottled through the years caused by your words and how my own self esteem was so low I kept it hidden and refused to protect myself from u stealing my being until nothing was left. 

now it’s clear why I guard my life 

Cause I wont ever be a participant again 

 in my own death.

Beach bound

3 days of relaxation, warmth light and a buzz 🙂 

Missing sock

i wear two different socks everyday. It’s a quirk of mine. I get ready in about 10 minutes and originally just didn’t care to find matches… They’re socks. People think it’s absurd. The truth is by this point I can’t even find the matches when I want to…I’ve moved so much this year and so many of my socks are gone and I have other people’s socks that I don’t even like. I tend to buy an assortment of different colored socks with different patterns. other people’s socks are boring and/or what they like in terms of design. if I don’t want someone to see I hide my mismatched pair with boots. I used to buy solid color socks so I don’t even know if my sock preference changed or if I stopped thinking about what socks I liked and only bought socks someone else likes because we were bound to mix them up anyway and they complained about losing theirs. 
I am sure if I spent a lot of time and energy I could find one of my missing socks to make a pair…but I don’t even know if I like them to begin with… Would I find happiness in a missing sock ? or would be short lived and shallow? that this up and down will never stop because my sadness/conflict is simply masked for a brief moment in time? 

i was trying to figure out what a design was on a pair of sock’s she was wearing.. and asked and answered my own question (an eagle) when I looked at it at a particular angle. I asked why those socks. They are pretty nice socks. I was impressed she had the socks matched and that one hasn’t gone missing. not like me at all. Her answer was really logical .. And something That never even popped in my head or that I noticed I wasn’t doing that would make my sock dilemma so easy/simple …buy several pairs of the same socks I like.  if one gets lost it doesn’t matter and you’ll never know which socks were the original pair.

 The way I think is never simple or easy and always deep but it allows me to come up with creative solutions and solve complex problems that have been a challenge for many people. the downside to this is sometimes I cannot see/think of such simple, effortless rational that some people are gifted with. it causes my own thoughts pause and reflect in admiration of the insight of a mind which. Shares the same logical foundation as mine, yet is different enough to cause me to think in unfamiliar (but still sensible) ways.. 

I still battle some internal thought conflict related to the cognitive dissonance and new awareness I have been forced to deal with.. And it is beyond exhausting at times.. There is no doubt inside of me that what I find myself drawn to and just one of many reasons why I enjoy/want to be around this person is the hope they give me in being able to find a way in which my brain can find a resolution that I will truly be at peace with… Its simply outside of my normal thought process.. So I can finally choose happiness in an authentic way. 

it’s funny how talking about random things can change what you thought for sure you find most attractive in a mind and the type you would find most meaning conversations with.. but I suppose it’s obvious that what I need and that can relax and calm my mind is a mind like hers.. and I find myself smiling with this curiousness and contentness in how it surprises me..that it makes me forget the complexity of my internal thought conflict and simply enjoy the moment and presence she brings. 

A conversation about socks providing me with such enlightenment about finding happiness may seem strange – obviously it’s not that weird if this meme exists.. but I dont want to waste anymore time on “eventually” or “strange” because I realize my pursuit of happiness is probably like matching a pair of socks that is right in front of my face and so effortless because there are several of the same individual types.  

If she knew I thought this much it would probably turn her over off. I don’t know if she sees that the foundation in which we think is very much the same. I am sure I seem chaotic and too much. I am for many people besides those who think like me. however it comes across, I often don’t think much of what I do “ponder” .. It usually isn’t a big deal or even important or a priority or top interest. it just seems that way because most people would rather get physical shit done or watch tv. I can’t help I find making connections and insight and awareness so breathtaking..but the truth is I only marvel in it for a brief moment .. A childlike awe .. A bright light flickering before burning out. 

but I guarantee no one appreciates her thoughts the way I have because they would not expand the energy required to use a thought process  capable of recognizing and concluded there is something quite beautiful in the way her mind utilizes simple, effortless rational. 

Yoga

So, I’ve been trying to do things to help me heal, but something always puts me in a bad spot and I physically and mentally am exhausted. So I just stop, ghost. recollect and feel ready to begin again. I just want stability. I want to find a way to deal with this newfound awareness. I can’t figure out how to keep the good part of it without the bad. I know it’s what I am most thankful for out of this whole experience but sometimes it’s hell. I almost wish for the ignorance back.

I keep going back to yoga. I like the way it makes me feel after. I know it’s completely powerful and healing and transformative and I want in. When I moved from my sisters to my parents, after I got settled I found a yoga instructor to begin private lessons again. Somehow I feel like it’s fate- for 2 reasons.

First – the yoga instructor texts me haha. she reminds me I have my lesson and to make the payment and go. She reschedules if I am too exhausted. It may be childish but I am so consumed by work and trying to deal with what I am internally I can’t do it without this type of accountability. I am so grateful for her.

Second – I just made a post saying I feel like I don’t know what I am doing. This morning at my yoga lesson when I was talking to her she told me she thinks this 40 day commitment (because I cannot commit to anything) would help me. At the point I am up to try anything ! It’s too coincidental for me to not do it. I feel like it would be bad luck if I didn’t. Like the answer was given to me on a red platter.

30 Days No Contact Challenge

Ugh. I have a massive headache but I want to get this out of my head and onto some “paper”. It’s been an insane month. I have been grappling with a bunch of issues. My various addictions and my PTSD symptoms stemming from the Narc abuse (talk about those later)

I was 7 days NC – T decided to text me today. She’s already on relationship #2 since the discard 5 months ago (haha). I was dumb and texted back. The conversations always start out friendly, familiar. By the end she becomes short and begins to treat me as if I was beneath her. I am sick of it. At first I found it amusing to talk to her because I was curious and found it silly how predictable her responses were (It was fun for me to use narc translation) however, I am bored of it by now and its repetitive. I am sure I was holding onto some false hope there too.

THE BIG NEWS!!

I want to announce that I am going 30 days No Contact. I would never let myself commit to NC because I was afraid to let go. I am no longer afraid to let go of something that doesn’t try to hold on. This time I am serious. I am counting on everyone here to hold me accountable! Any inspiring thoughts/words are welcome and appreciated!

For the next 30 days I want to mainly focus on positive thoughts/healing rather than think of the abuse and try to make sense of it. I will get back to that because I think its important for me to continue to admit what the relationship was, to identify all the red flags and bring them to light (for me and all victims/potential victims) but it’s time I really focus on the good and who I am and who I am becoming.

Heal

Dear Me,

I don’t know why I can’t seem to get over this delusional relationship but I’m proud I’ve stopped contacting her and have started concentrating more on healing & positive outlets rather than only obsessing over narcissistic personality disorder and how fucked up everything really was. I’m ready to accept that I may never feel such “addictive” excitement, but that won’t change my approach to life or belief in what is important.