Moment of Reckoning

I have been waiting. I’ve learned to be patient. I knew it could take time. I knew not to warn the new supply. I knew to hang around, I knew i’d be mentioned. Why? because I am everything she cannot have, she lost.. she cannot be.

Finally, a year and 2 months and an ex steps up. J. the message made my heart fill with warm blood. Lighting me up, letting me down. I sighed, this woman .. lasted a couple months. However i could tell by her pictures…she was a real person. Her message expressed confusion, hurt … anger. Why? What is wrong with her?!

NPD, J. shes sick.and we traded stories.. lies….deceit, betrayal … bullshit. Narcs have the type of exes you can’t hate.. because we really are no one special…she is me and I am her and we are the others. So we must find each other   and piece ourselves back together.

YOU

GOT

EXPOSED

NARC.

Jenna (T apparently had cancer for the 5th time lmao) shared these :

 

 

6 years… i am no different than someone of 3 weeks. I know this…but 6 years?  A month prior to that ^^ fed me the same bs .. she feeds all of us.

Who are you? I don’t know that. You are nothing, as much as we are nothing to you. Do you know we are different? Do you know I am different? 6 years… 6 years of everything…the discard, your hoovers… and you still slander me, you lie to me? Fuck you, you are nobody. An empty human void of a self. Collapsed..what are you like inside? a bug? no brain? no heart? a body? Oh lord, you are utterly disgusting haha… I saw how desperate you are. But this, this is sad. It must be true, without us you cannot breath… we are your oxygen.. make no mistake though.. at some point we will asphyxiate you.

We plan to meet up, on your birthday. GO to your favorite places. Maybe slander you, laugh and talk shit. BFFs.

BE PATIENT MY FRIENDS… AND THE TRUTH COMES OUT

where do we go from here?

Yoga

So, I’ve been trying to do things to help me heal, but something always puts me in a bad spot and I physically and mentally am exhausted. So I just stop, ghost. recollect and feel ready to begin again. I just want stability. I want to find a way to deal with this newfound awareness. I can’t figure out how to keep the good part of it without the bad. I know it’s what I am most thankful for out of this whole experience but sometimes it’s hell. I almost wish for the ignorance back.

I keep going back to yoga. I like the way it makes me feel after. I know it’s completely powerful and healing and transformative and I want in. When I moved from my sisters to my parents, after I got settled I found a yoga instructor to begin private lessons again. Somehow I feel like it’s fate- for 2 reasons.

First – the yoga instructor texts me haha. she reminds me I have my lesson and to make the payment and go. She reschedules if I am too exhausted. It may be childish but I am so consumed by work and trying to deal with what I am internally I can’t do it without this type of accountability. I am so grateful for her.

Second – I just made a post saying I feel like I don’t know what I am doing. This morning at my yoga lesson when I was talking to her she told me she thinks this 40 day commitment (because I cannot commit to anything) would help me. At the point I am up to try anything ! It’s too coincidental for me to not do it. I feel like it would be bad luck if I didn’t. Like the answer was given to me on a red platter.

30 Days No Contact Challenge

Ugh. I have a massive headache but I want to get this out of my head and onto some “paper”. It’s been an insane month. I have been grappling with a bunch of issues. My various addictions and my PTSD symptoms stemming from the Narc abuse (talk about those later)

I was 7 days NC – T decided to text me today. She’s already on relationship #2 since the discard 5 months ago (haha). I was dumb and texted back. The conversations always start out friendly, familiar. By the end she becomes short and begins to treat me as if I was beneath her. I am sick of it. At first I found it amusing to talk to her because I was curious and found it silly how predictable her responses were (It was fun for me to use narc translation) however, I am bored of it by now and its repetitive. I am sure I was holding onto some false hope there too.

THE BIG NEWS!!

I want to announce that I am going 30 days No Contact. I would never let myself commit to NC because I was afraid to let go. I am no longer afraid to let go of something that doesn’t try to hold on. This time I am serious. I am counting on everyone here to hold me accountable! Any inspiring thoughts/words are welcome and appreciated!

For the next 30 days I want to mainly focus on positive thoughts/healing rather than think of the abuse and try to make sense of it. I will get back to that because I think its important for me to continue to admit what the relationship was, to identify all the red flags and bring them to light (for me and all victims/potential victims) but it’s time I really focus on the good and who I am and who I am becoming.